I'm gonna be less outrageous this year in my column.
What? Bragg's Babblings is gonna be less outrageous? What's next? BobDole doing the Funky Chicken? A newspaper printing a flattering picture of Hillary Clinton? Independence Magazine running an article on Nick Provenzo's squirrel-porn ring?
I am. And it's not a porn ring, it's just one National Geographic video. Although Provenzo does like it a lot. Anyway. Instead of just making sophomoric fun of people, I'm going to suggest constructive solutions to the vital social problems of today. I'm going to write an uplifting article giving humanitarian advice to the homeless.
Excuse me, Mr. Bragg's Babblings, but exactly what right do you have to give advice to homeless people? Exactly what expertise do you have? And the most humanitarian thing I've ever heard you say is that we probably shouldn't execute criminals wholesale until they've been convicted, or at least indicted.
As a white bread boy from the Outer Boroughs of New York, I have every right to tell homeless people what to do. I am a white, heterosexual, righthanded, European-descended, Anglo male. My people run everything. Of course I have the right to tell people what to do. In fact, I have some great ideas. Besides, I changed my mind on that criminals thing and decided we only really have to wait until a crime has been committed.
Oh this should be good. Ok, so exactly what are these Great Ideas?
First of all, one of the biggest things that homeless advocates whine about is freezing to death in the wintertime, right? Well, why don't homeless people go south for the winter? Wouldn't it be better to be homeless in, say, Atlanta or Jacksonville or Charlotte or Nashville than in New York or Washington in the middle of winter? I mean, it's just not as cold there. Sure it's a long way to walk. So what? Start in September or August and walk ten miles a day. So it takes until October or whatever. What, they've got something _better_ to do? They sure can't use the old excuse about having to wash their hair that night. Exactly what pressing business do they have that they're too busy to walk all day? Grooming their bodily vermin? Cultivating just the right stinkblend of urine, booze, and body odors? There's a hip new skin disease that they don't want to miss out on?
Umm, I don't think you're being much less outrageous.
Oh, be quiet. Second, homeless people should get dogs. No one wants to see a dog starve. Whereas no one cares if your sorry worthless addlebrained drug-addicted butt dies, except maybe the poor sanitation man who has to peel your diseased carcass off the street. People's first reaction when they see you is to cross the street, or to try and abide the smell. But to a dog, people's first reaction is Hey, I could pet that dog. So they go to pet the dog, and then you try to bum some money. So they might give a piece of human pondscum like you money and hope you'll buy food for the dog. Or at least some heroin so the dog won't notice that he's hungry.
You're definitely being more outrageous now. And exactly how is a homeless person going to keep a dog?
Well, for one thing, dogs like things that smell bad. So homeless people have an advantage. For another, a bum really has nothing better to do than walk the dog. And he doesn't have to bother with a pooper scooper, because a cop would just feel really silly giving a homeless guy a ticket for that sort of thing.
"Hey! What your dog just did, that's a $50 fine for not picking up after your dog."
THA'S NOT MA DOG M****F****! THA'S ME B****! I DID IT! NOW WHAT, PIG? [String of indistinct shouted expletives deleted, along with something about pancakes]
"Oh, good point. Never mind."
Another thing. There's gotta be a way for homeless people to emit less stench. Probably fewer people would kick them and more people would give them quarters if they stank less. I'd score that as a double win. You could take, say, mint leavesand smear them on yourself and then you'd smell like a combination of mint, human stink, worse human stink, vomit, and booze. OK, come to think of it, that's not much better. But I mean there must be something readily available in trash that smells less than you do. I've got it-- coffee grounds. Smear coffee grounds all over your filth-encrusted body, and you'll smell like rotten stale coffee. Someone might believe you when you say you want change so you can get a cup of coffee. They'll probably think you maybe even drink too much coffee, from the smell of you. Maybe they'll say, "Hey, man, lay off the coffee. Here's five bucks, go get yourself some booze."
Of course, a homeless person might decide to give up on trying to get money from people one quarter at a time and just be irritating as a full time occupation. Then they could call it performance art and go for an NEA grant. They could sing at The Brady Bunch Theme Song at the top of their lungs while drunk for hours on end. They could give expletive-ridden renditions of that old damn Grey Poupon add. "You got any Grey Poupon, bitch? But of course, HEY! It's mine m*****f******. Heh heh heh. Heeeeeeeeeey, Macarena! " They could follow people for a block or two singing "You Are So Beautiful" in personalized Wayne Newtonish style before leaving them with a hail of curses. They could just sit around and at irregular intervals just yell out Hey, Macarena. They could get a discarded copy of the Bible and wander around chanting bits of it. Oh, wait, people already do that.
So, in summation, homeless people should smear themselves with coffee, move to Jacksonville and yell more.
Exactly.
(written by John WC Bragg)